


Ya’aburnee

by Ariejul



Series: Alone in the Fallout [4]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Despair, Dreams, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Flashbacks, Loss, Shaun tries to help, Sole Survivor misses Deacon, Sole Survivor misses her husband
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-09 17:36:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11109510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ariejul/pseuds/Ariejul
Summary: Ya'aburnee: the hope that you will die before your love because you cannot live without them.Julia dreams of better days. It hurts even more when she wakes up.Post-game.Takes place after Verschlimmbessern





	Ya’aburnee

She’s standing in the kitchen, frowning into her cup of coffee. “I don’t want you to go.”

Nate sighs, folding up the paper he was skimming. He walks over to her, but when he tries to hug her, she steps away. “Honey, I’m sorry.”

“That’s all you ever are!” she shouts, cutting the air in a scathing gesture with her hand. “It's always  _‘I’m sorry, but I have to.’_ Does what I want not matter to you?” Tears slip down her cheeks that she angrily swipes away.

“Of course it does,” he replies without hesitation. His brows furrow in concern. “Jules, you’re the most important thing in my life.”

She turns away, staring at her feet. “Then why do you keep leaving me?”

His hands ball into fists at his sides. “I’m just trying to keep you safe, to give you a better world. This is the only way I know how.”

She glances at him over her shoulder, hugging herself tightly. “And when you don’t come back? What should I do then?”

He freezes, eyes wide. “Julia, don’t talk like that,” he snaps, his voice harsh.

She flinches. “You don’t get it, Nate. While you’re off wherever the hell they send you, all I can do is just sit here and hope to God you don’t die. The months you’re gone are a living hell. I have to prepare myself for the day you _don’t_ come back.”

He pulls her tightly against his chest. “I’ll always come back, baby. I promise. I’m not going to leave you alone.”

Her lips tremble as she wraps a hand around his wrist. Leaning her head back onto his shoulder, she absently studies the pattern of the ceiling and resists the urge to call him a liar. “I love you,” she whispers through tears.

He nuzzles her hair, breathing deep. “I love you, too. So, so much.”

_Please, don’t leave me behind._

 

Julia jerks awake. The sky’s still dark, and Sanctuary is quiet, the only sounds that of Brahmin and the night watch patrolling. Taking a deep breath, she rakes a hand across her face and is startled to find wetness tracking down her cheeks. When was the last time she cried in her sleep?

She can still feel Nate’s arms around her. That argument had happened right before his last deployment, where a fusion core explosion had nearly ended his life. It did end his military career, at least. The army didn't need soldiers with a permanent limp. _She hates herself for feeling relief at that._  God, she’d been such a blubbering mess when he came back, but he hadn’t broken his promise. Not that day, anyway.

Wandering into the bathroom, she splashes cold water on her face.

The person looking back at her is becoming more unrecognizable by the day. There are deep circles under her eyes that never fade, her hair is a mess, and she’s dropped weight. She remembers a time when she never stepped foot outside without makeup. Now, she can’t remember the last time she wore it. Nate wouldn’t even recognize her. Not like this.

Tears well in her eyes again at the thought of her husband, but Julia angrily brushes them away. “Get a grip,” she murmurs.

“Mom?” Shaun appears in the doorway, rubbing his eyes sleepily.

She panics, burying her face in a towel. “Sweetie. Did I wake you?”

“No. I saw the light on.” He watches her with too clever eyes. “Are you okay?”

Julia finally manages to look at him, giving the best smile she can. “Of course I’m alright. Why wouldn’t I be?”

He shrugs, walking up and hugging her tight. “I’m sorry, Mom. You just seem so sad.”

Hesitantly, she returns the gesture. “I’m not sad, silly.”

Shaun pulls away, the look he gives her clearly unconvinced. "Then why are you crying?"

"I..." she trails off, unsure of what to say. "Don't worry about it, Shaun. I'm okay."

He nods, if a bit hesitantly. “Do you know when Deacon’s gonna get back? I bet he could cheer you up no problem.”

She tenses, thinking about her partner. There hasn’t been any word since he left nearly four months ago. A part of her wonders if she’ll ever see him again. “I don’t.” She drops down on her haunches and grins. “But don’t worry. Deacon can take care of himself just fine.”

“Don’t you miss him?”

Julia barely manages to swallow down a fresh wave of emotion. “Of course, Shaun, but Deacon has important work to do.”

He thinks about it for a time before nodding. “I wish he'd come back. I miss him,” he says with a touch of sadness, "and you always smiled when he was around."

She ignores the second half of what he says. “When he gets back, we need to make sure to let him know, okay?” Ruffling Shaun’s hair, she ushers him back to bed.

Before she leaves his room, Shaun catches her hand. “I love you, Mom.”

“I love you, too.” She squeezes his hand before shutting the door. Returning to her own room, she shuts the door and slides down it to the floor. She silently sobs, shoulders shaking uncontrollably. Deacon’s never been gone this long without any contact before. He isn’t going to come back. Just like Nate.

God, how stupid could she be?!

Deacon doesn’t need her. He doesn’t need anyone. Not the way she does.

She can hear Nate scolding her for depending on a liar like Deacon.  _You should know better, Jules. Someone like that is bad news._

"Why am I such an idiot?" she mumbles, watching the world slowly light up through the windows.


End file.
